With my cold leftover pizza on my left, coffee on my right and my son snoozing across the hall at grandmas house- I am sitting down and get to work.
Most likely I'm making notes, things like looking out for a package to arrive today. Appointments to be scheduled for Daniel and myself. Planning what needs to be done this week outside the house- and how leaving the house coincides with the weather and if it's worth the effort of bringing my baby outside at all. Do I need to go to the fruit stand? If I go, bring the overdue library books and pay the $3.30 fine.
Because when he comes back from grandmas, I'll be on the floor with him, letting him climb me like a jungle gym, putting on some music or the news to play in the background and fill the quiet. I'll bring the heater from his room and place it beyond the baby gate, to heat the floor and keep our feet warm since my feet are always cold when on the floor so I'm sure his are too. I'll bring out some blocks and his loud musical walker and then try to sneak in the kitchen to put things away or cut some pears to snack on. Then Danny will realize that I snuck into the dreaded kitchen out of his grasp. He'll bang on the baby gate with whatever toy he's carrying around, much like a prisoner with a tin cup and he'll let me know that I did not have his blessing to do something without him.
I'll give him the love and attention he demands, usually a cuddle on the couch with Cheerios, until he scoots down and toddles off to play again. Then I cut up the pear, pour something to drink, and go to the bathroom. Of course, out of his eyesight. If he sees, he acts as though he thinks that the bathroom is eating me alive. He'll stand at the overturned coffee table and yell, imploring me to show my face. I dread the day that he learns how to move this barricade aside because that will be the beginning of the end of solo bathroom breaks. I will never pee alone again.
He's a very tenacious baby. But then again I'm the same way. I want things to go my way and plan on the future, and here he is teaching me to put him before myself. Motherhood has taught me a lot, but I'm always relearning how to yield to others through his demands. And I'm so thankful that this important lesson is being taught by such a cute professor, through an immersion course designed to teach me to be flexible after all.
So tell me...
What lessons have you been learning lately?
Did you find yourself with an unexpectedly cute professor?
Before I had my son Daniel, this blog was my baby. Outside my relationship with Christ and my husband, The Newest Vazquez is where I focused all my creative energy and time, trying to raise this blog up to something that could, eventually, connect me with others around the world (and sure, be a possible source of income).
Well, I dropped my baby a long time ago.
I picked it up a few times after Daniel was born, but at this point I haven't even looked at it in half a year. Mostly because I was ashamed of all the work I invested in it, only to let it slowly die. But it still exists, and while I have toyed with the idea of starting another from scratch, it saddens me that all the posts, photos and work I've invested would be lost and displaced. I love everything I've written, and want to keep it all in one place, even if it means it's combined in with a new kind of concept. I want to revive my blog baby.
I don't think that concept here (as it exists in Jan 2017) fits me anymore. I've outgrown it. In this phase of life, I am less interested in exploring NYC, traveling and writing about my "learning" how to be married (though I still am, marriage is hard sometimes). I'm no longer a newlywed trying to keep my pregnancies viable, still shell-shocked at living in a busy city after my country upbringing.
I've made an astounding switch to a MOM.
I finally- for possibly the first time in my life- feel in control of my choices, location, and I care little about creating structured and topical posts on here. Life for me right now is full of sweet, stressful and rewarding moments of insight..... so I likely won't be doing any more of the highly formatted, researched and planned topics like I have in the past.
If you're reading this in 2015, you've likely already seen the Youtube video where a husband (Sam) surprises his wife (Nia) with a positive pregnancy test. The internet loved it- everyone loved it- and it was shared and praised all over Facebook, nationwide news channels and anywhere else you looked.
They post daily vlogs online (similar to blogging, but video and in their case, daily). They were doing this recreationally in addition to working, and suddenly, due tho an unorthodox pregnancy announcement, their channel had millions of viewers.
Then the next day she miscarried.
The whole world did at least one of three things.
1. They ignored it (because it is awkward, confusing and/or sad).
2. Said things like 'why do people share everything on the Internet' and shamed them.
3. Accused them of staging the entire thing (saying that they knew it would go viral and boost their viewership).
And, while I can understand reason #1 and the reasons for ignoring the miscarriage (it's awkward. sad, or just confusing to many people)- I can't stand hearing people say reason #2, a day after they themselves likely shared the hot new video on their own Facebook page. Hearing that you weren't allowed to tell others in the off chance that you might make life a little to real or uncomfortable (for them) has always been a big pet peeve of mine.
And #3 is ridiculous. It's impossible to know when anything you do online will be praised, ridiculed or shared over a million times. Try as I might (and did), HuffPost chose not to accept the article I linked just above. The internet is tricky, and there is a lot of competition out there. And (I'm 100% sure) that anyone who has lost a baby can attest, that hearing her description of actually loosing the baby is spot on. That is something you only learn that when you have truly lost a pregnancy.
Listening to Nia weep for her new understanding of all those who've miscarried with her, explaining the (very literal) physical and emotional relief that sweeps over you when you birth a baby and the feeling of gratitude for the beating heart in her eldest- it slaps modern culture in the face.
In a world where a wanted pregnancy is praised and an unwanted one is discarded...
the mourning of a early pregnancy miscarriage where a heartbeat is lost, that is something that is not even acknowledged or shared. To expect it to be acknowledged as a real event that took place, and offered support and respect is not something offered to those who loose a baby*.
*Except in late pregnancy loss, when the baby is more likely to be accepted for the baby it is, versus medical tissue.
These vloggers have encouraged me, and others as you can see throughout the comments.
They later mention that they feel blessed to have so many new viewers offering comforting words, and know that while the Lord has taken their baby to Heaven he has blessed in another unexpected area. And, I assume, that is where #3 happened, and the conspiracy theorists decided to shame their efforts to be transparent and honest.
I do not nearly have the reach these two do, but the comments I receive when I wrote about my miscarriages, aftermath of dealing with them, and now my pregnancy announcements have meant the world to me. To imagine, while half of their comments are attempting to tear them down, the other half needed are offering prayers and support. The same local television and news sources that told the story of Sam and Nia's pregnancy announcement told a followup story sharing the sad news. But- no one is sharing that or making go viral. It's all but been ignored, outside of the Youtube comments beneath their videos.
But then...Two days later... Sam tells all their new viewers that while he understands that not all that are watching are believers of Christ, he knows that they need Him. It is short, and of course started an uproar in the comments below- but they did something amazing with the platform that they didn't have even a week prior.
To God be the Glory- in all circumstances.
So tell me...
Have you seen the videos above?
Did you (honestly) feel any of the reactions in #1, #2, or #3? Were you as thrilled to see the call to Christ as I was? ------I've not seen that until today on a flourishing Youtube channel.
Today the writing prompt is hope, a word that I think very fondly of. Hope is such a gift, something that comes as a comfort during a time of drought or pain or uncertainty. Hope sustains many in far off lands, those suffering through war and famine and perhaps just waiting for a living situation to improve. Citizenship and a way to escape to a place where they can just be free.
For many though, hope doesn't come because of big issues, the things like war and famine and oppression. It comes for little moments, when you are scared or need reassurance. This is often overlooked, as if hope is only a gift given to those who really need it. But the rest of the world has been given this as well, a way to cope and to wait. To have some comfort until things are better or are easier to believe. When you hear news of a pending layoff or the test results come back and they want you to come in. When you've been hurt in the past and your heart can't trust just yet.
Every evening I take my Lovenox shot and lean back, absorbing the stinging medicine. And while I see that I am growing on schedule and heard the heartbeat a few days ago, I still cling to hope. Hope that I will soon feel some flutters that will turn to kicks, and hope that I will find some reassurance in them. I sit there, quiet and feel my lower belly. I know that during these moments when I'm asking God to look over my baby, I am exercising hope and prayer and faith. Many times we think that life can only surprise us, as if life is what it is and we cannot prepare for anything. But know that God has built in these gradual moments of anticipation and hope to sustain us when we are scared or uncertain.
I'm sure many of the participants in FMF will be quoting Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And again... this was NOT written to tell you that God desires you to have an easy life. You have to take every verse in context. and this verse was written to Israelites in Babylonian captivity. Not you. Life will be hard, unbearable even for so much of the world, and yes, especially Christians. Many will die in pain and suffering and while it's a sweet thought that God doesn't want this to happen, we must remember that all things are given by God. The plenty and the lacking.
If you really want a scripture about hope, how about Romans 5:3-5:
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
What a wonderful reminder. And even when we can't see hope on the horizon or see the silver lining, we have hope in the cross. The ultimate hope, silver lining or best case scenario. We have the hope and knowledge that even though this world is hard, life with the Lord is something to look forward to.
So tell me...
What have you felt uncertain about recently?
Are there certain times during the day when you are reminded of God's grace and provision?
Has a writing prompt surprised you lately, or made your day?
Today's writing prompt of 'fear' seems like an interesting topic to write on, a chance to be transparent with myself and perhaps gain some perspective. It's so easy to forget that this isn't just a place online to showcase all the good in our lives at the moment. but to memorialize all things that are happening. And, that involves some fears and internal struggles that are going on. I've written on my Irrational Fear (and it's a weird one). But here's 3 of my completely rational fears.
- I'm been debating with myself, whether or not to call my father this Sunday for Father's Day. We have had a rough relationship, starting about 15 years ago. It's come to this point where we haven't spoken in a year. I don't hear from him and he doesn't hear from me. Without getting into the guts of the matter, I love him but really want nothing to do with him. But now that I'm expecting and will be giving him a grandchild it's different. I know I'm more sensitive than normal anyways, but it seems unfair to not tell him. But then i think about how that conversation will go and I coil back and decide against it.
- I'm scared of being a mother. I've never really changed a diaper before and growing up as the absolute youngest, have very little knowledge about infants or children under 3. I've babysat toddlers and kids, and know how to manipulate/reason/distract them pretty well. But before the age of reason and communication, I'm an absolute dummy. I've been working in the church nursery (I'm sure its secretly some sort of Farin-infant immersion program) but at least I can pick them up and move them around without that awkward freakout moment of 'will I drop it'? I imagine the instinct will take over once I'm handed our child, but it's like being told you are going to drive cross country in 6 months and you only just applied for your drivers license.
- I'm not sure what kind of person I'm becoming. Besides wife and (in 6 months) mother, I don't have a thing. I of course love writing on here, but I lack a tangible hobby or passion that everyone else seems to have. I don't want to dull or boring. I like baking, organizing and planning. But not enough to make any of those 'my thing'. Plus, organizing and planning? Those might work into careers somehow but unless I make a habit of playing 52 card pickup I don't see how I can use those interests recreationally.
So tell me...
Do you ever think about yourself introspectively?
What hobbies or passions did you stumble into?
We're you terrified of being a mother to your first, or did you have more experience than I do?
I've learned in the past (almost) 2 years of writing online that there are many people out there just like me, who happen to live all over the world. I've followed along and met people I might not have otherwise. I've been blessed to meet many encouraging Christian women, some perhaps in the same stage of life as me, some learning how to be married or perhaps starting their own family.
I've found through comments made beneath my posts that many have also grown up in the countryside and also consider themselves to be disasters in the kitchen like me. There's an ex-Amish woman who talks about her garden and makes me miss having space and a yard to plant, missionaries who've been sent all over Africa, Asia and Europe spreading the Good News. Plenty of southern ladies who always display a calmer, objective view to life (it's amazing what words written can sound like when read). I'll admit it, I sometimes read their posts with the southern drawl.
A Canadian woman who lives so far north that her winter starts in late September. And there are so many people who tell me how they have once lived in NYC (and can commiserate with my subway commute) and still others who currently live here, live nearby, or visit on a regular basis and know the places I mention. Many who keep up with our journey to parenthood have disclosed that they are either currently dealing with or have overcome some form of infertility or pregnancy problems. Life really isn't to different on the other side of the globe.
When I talk about my mother, I hear a lot of stories about how canning and preserving food is common where they live. The online presence of military families (especially military wives) means that there are always women online, everywhere on Earth, writing. And while blogging and the community it goes with can look like a predominantly white, middle-class American pastime on the cover, if you open the book and look inside, there are people from all walks of life with something valuable to say. The internet is a marvelous invention, one which we are blessed with as it allows us to learn and connect with those who can teach us or congregate with us in an online setting.
So tell me...
Where are you from?
What demographics have you been shocked to find on your website?
Have you looked at your Google Anayltics lately, and where do your viewers live?
As anyone who comes by here regularly might know, we've been trying to become pregnant and to maintain those pregnancies for the past two years. While you might think that I should be more adjusted to the idea of being a mother- since we've been trying so hard to get there. I get the feeling that you will never be ready until you are handed your first child and told to leave the hospital... and probably not even then.
I was raised by one mother, but I have 4 in my life who continually teach me how this is something that I can do and who are currently teaching me what it means to be a mother.
My Mother has taught me about selfless love.
My mother has been the best role model for me in my later years. I grew up never really understanding why she did so many selfless things, but now I see that it is just in her nature to care for others.
When my brother and sister from my father's previous marriage wanted to move in with us, they did. She has always put the needs of her children above her own, and now that I have some perspective on what that means I appreciate her unconditional love that much more.
My Sister has taught me that children take a lot of work and dedication.
My sister has always shown just how devoted a mother can be to the success and happiness of her children. Her oldest was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of 3, and her youngest had open heart surgery to repair a hole in her heart.
Watching her devotion to their growth in health, knowledge and personality, I have never in my life met such well-rounded, respectful, and fun kids and hope she will share her wisdom with me in the upcoming years.
My Best Friend has taught me about maturity.
My best friend got pregnant while I was still in college, While at the time I couldn't wrap my mind around it, I grew up watching her do everything possible to raise this little girl up despite some rough times.
She really mirrors my own mother in a way, with how life has maybe not given her the easiest road, but it provided her with a lot of perspective and maturity that I really respect. And while her daughter doesn't understand it now, she will when she gets older.
My Mother-in-law has taught the importance of family
I haven't really gone into detail on this blog about my family history and the issues I have opening up to others, but my mother-in-law has shown me an immense amount of grace and taught me a lot about the importance of having a close family.
It took a lot of time (and I still forget to greet them sometimes with the cheek-kiss) but I hope that they know that this idea of a warm home with deep family involvement is still a very foreign idea. One which I am fascinated by and pray will be a part of our growing family.
I don't want to tell everyone I know that I am pregnant.
But hear me out, before deciding that I'm either:
-a huge hypocrite (I write online so that a face and story can be put to multiple loss/lupusAPS)
-or an idiot (people can easily find this blog- after all it's my name)
There are two big reasons.
Since miscarriages are a taboo subject and not mentioned in proper society, we don't necessarily know who had/has/is experiencing one. I mentioned our history to a co-worker who had some very fresh wounds (and a story very similar to mine with a blood disorder). She learned of my previous miscarriages and broke down in sympathy. I think it's important to talk with others who have gone through similar trials, but it's not something I want to dole out on the unsuspecting.
Then there are a lot of good meaning people who have given their advice on everything in the past.
It's a normal part of life.
1. Boy meets girl, they get married.
2. They get pregnant.
3. The whole world tells them what they need to figure out Right Now.
In the great homeschool debate of 2013, I was about 6 weeks pregnant when I was asked how we were schooling our children. A bit early in the game I thought, but I told the group of inquisitors inquirers that we were planning on homeschooling. I left the conversation after about 20 ridiculous minutes of being told I was wrong. I've since learned to not to take the bait and tell everyone everything they want to know.
That isn't to say that I won't answer questions like "why do you lose your pregnancies" or "around what week does it typically happen" or any other questions where the person asking is curious. I'm more than happy to let you know what it means to have multiple miscarriages, APS or answer any questions about medicine. I'm tired of the secrecy given to those who loose their babies, keeping them mourning in silence. The more support given to the parents, the better. But at the same time I'm choosing the be wise in who I do and don't tell.
People we have told: family, close friends and plenty of people at church.
People we know will support us and not pressure us to talk about it constantly. Most everyone who we've told already knows about our history of early pregnancy loss and knows that what we need most is prayer and support. To allow us to process everything week by week. I want to get to the point of seeing the heartbeat, then hearing it. To know that the baby inside me has a great chance at survival. Then I will be more open to the long-term questionnaires that come my way.
So tell me...
Have you ever dealt with recurrent miscarriages, and..
Did it affect how you told others about the subsequent pregnancies?
Sometimes I feel like Dorthy, waking up in Oz.
I expect to wake up from this weird city life, and wake up in rural Pennsylvania. Things sometimes seem weird here.
Yesterday I was at the DMV, updating my license and I skipped a huge line because I made an appointment online. I only spent 10 minutes at the DMV, which is unheard of, and the people I passed coming in were glaring at me as I walked out with my paperwork in hand.
I was never the super-organized person, the one to have all their ducks in a row and be able to skip past all the other people in line. I would be the person to show up late, and have to fill the documents out there, and return to the back of the line.
I had about 2 hours to kill, so I enjoyed a almond pretzel from Auntie Anne's and found some flats for $7 in Old Navy. I browsed around Marshalls at all the home decor and planned to return when I could actually spend time looking around.
In high school I had never even gone to a mall, until my best friend brought me one weekend. It was all too much. Even in college I bought all my clothes at JC Penney and everything else from Walmart. I could never imagine being the type of person to just go shopping, how extravagant.
I left for work and saw a troupe of 'dancers' the next car over. So, when the train stopped and the made their way to my subway car, I got up and went to their old one. Got a seat, and looked into the car I just left at all the people trying to ignore the blasting music and contorting school-skipping kids. Then a family of tourists asked for directions and after helping them I was profusely thanked. When the subway reached my station I was already positioned at door that let the staircase I needed to make a quick exit. Because it feels pretty awesome to walk up a staircase alone in front of the 40 people behind me attempting to squeeze up it all at once.
I am still shocked that I am living in a large city, navigating it and knowing where I am going. Knowing to avoid that block because all those people are just leaning on the buildings. Never will you find a group of 'strangers' casually doing that... unless maybe this is in Midtown, and they are waiting for a ticket line to something open up. Knowing the tricks on the subway to avoid the smelly subway car, the dancing kids and how to make a quick exit to street level, I feel almost like an expert.
------- I never used to feel like an expert.
I never used to have confidence in my ability to live on my own, let along here. I still often have 'out of body' experiences, where I am running to catch my train and I realize that the old me would've been shocked. How do I even know where I am going? Know not to walk down that block? How did I learn all this? Well, I guess the short answer would be that Tom is a great teacher, but the better answer is that I just never thought to try new things. This real life still surprises me.
I'm sure that this is normal.
When someone becomes a parent I'm sure that they remember back to when they were praying to become pregnant, shell shocked when the child they longed for was placed in their arms. How do they do this, be a parent? Then they suddenly are doing it, and doing it well.
Maybe you were hired at an amazing job and are shocked that your minimal qualifications got you there,. Maybe you think that the suit you borrowed from your roommate is fooling the person hiring you. But then you say something useful during a meeting and everyone looks up, and your realize that you can do this.
Maybe you are like me and moved somewhere very different, the one place you never planned to live and even told others you would never move to.
So tell me...
Something that you are brand new to, that feels overwhelmingly different?
Is there anything that you feel like you've conquered?
Did you ever get flashbacks to how it was?
I haven't heard that in a while. In my mind, this is something you would hear through the phone (analog of course, if not rotary), from a friend, who is basically asking permission to drop in on short notice. But these days it feels like short notice doesn't really happen, or has maybe gone extinct. No one "stops in" anymore because they were in the neighborhood. Too busy, too hurried and too much technology.
No, all of my visits are planned well in advance, with an appointment on my calendar if I'm being honest. And I could contribute that to several things, like "most of my people live far away, so of course it's planned..." but that would be a dumb excuse. If someone were to call me and say they were in the neighborhood, or just show up at my door on Saturday morning with the "Leave it to Beaver" [insert anything homemade here], my jaw would hit the floor.
And, as my jaw hit the floor, I would notice all the dust bunnies hanging out down there, next to the laundry that hasn't made it's way to the laundromat yet. And, perhaps I'd be in my pajamas with sleep still in my eyes at noon. And, sadly, I might either feel ashamed or irritated that they found me in my natural habitat, robbing me of the chance to create any semblance of order.
Then Wednesday happened.
I went into Downtown Brooklyn for some paperwork, and reached out to a friend the evening prior to schedule a 'coffee break' at her office. When I was on jury duty we had started this habit of meeting up for lunch, and now, it's something to look forward to whenever in the area. And, instead of the expected hour and a half wait, I was out in 5 minutes. So, instead of meeting up at 11:30 as scheduled, I texted her at 10:15, letting her know I was done and going to Starbucks for a coffee, and to let me know if she wanted me to grab her something or if she wanted to reschedule. I felt like dirt! How dare I be sitting downstairs, imposing on her day (which had barely begun at this point) workday?
She took about half an hour to respond (still arriving at the office I'm guessing) but then told me to come on up! And, yes, she received a few phone calls while I was there and had to sign for a package, but it seems that I really wasn't the worst inconvenience in the world. Shocking news to me, because if it had happened to me, my head might've exploded.
I definitely need to loosen up and grow in my hospitality and while this is something I've been working on, it's always been on my terms/my schedule. Even my inlaws (Tom's parents) who live across the hall get a sigh sometimes when I hear their knock. They live in the same building, did I really expect them to call to ask to stop in, to retrieve their ladder I stole a month ago to put away Christmas decorations? Or to retrieve a pan I borrowed and forgot to return? Of course not. Sure, I'm comfy in the couch but then I remember the times when I nearly chopped my finger off or thought that someone was holding my husband ransom, and I ran across the hall for help.
I need to stop being so selfish with my time and freely welcome people, who are just popping in for a visit unexpectedly.
So tell me...
Have you ever popped in for a visit unannounced?
When was the last time you did, or someone did to you?
Does the pile of laundry mock you as you greet and pour coffee for your visitor?
January I went into January sad to see 2013 go. I mean, a lot of major life events happened that year. It even ended on a high note, with a second pregnancy. But a few days into January I miscarried again and began the process of figuring out the 'why'. Bloodwork and appointments, plus, we went through the Polar Vortex. Which sounds much more horrible than it was (for me). I worked from home and drank hot chocolate.
The Cross and Miscarriage A New York City Polar Vortex February I decided I wanted to have a garden this summer, so I planted a bunch of vegetable seeds and put them in window boxes to start growing. I took Tom's entire family snow-tubing for the first time, and they had a great time. We got our blood results back, which confirmed that the recurrent miscarriages were auto-immune related. Finally knowing what was going on with me was good, but the hospital insisting we wait 3 months to retest and 'confirm' it all ended up being a big waste of time and source of frustration.
Cabin fever started to sink in, and with a doctor-mandated break from baby mode, we decided to plan a trip to the Pacific Coast. We had a low-key Valentine's Day, and the plants I started from seed in my window started to sprout. Tried out my hand at Intermittent Fasting, and it helped me remember what hungry felt like, and how to stop overeating/eating poorly. Why Did I Miscarry? Blood Results Snowtubing with the Family
March
Dealt with some lingering effects from the miscarriage, mainly hormonal acne and becoming very emotional at the drop of a hat. After being asked 'what are you giving up for Lent?" too many times, I wrote about why I don't 'do' Lent. And I continued dreaming about our upcoming vacation.
Participated in (and completed!) the A-Z Challenge this month. Created some fun posts like April Fools and Farina. I bragged about my husband's renewed love of biking in Tour de Tom, and reminisced about when I moved to NYC for a boy I barely knew. Posted all my Candid Camera- NYC Subway photos in a post and I wrote about some serious topics as well, including National Infertility Awareness Week and Easter. I loved writing for this challenge, and it really helped me fall in love with blogging and discover why I do love to write online like this.
The first week of May, we were gone! Flew to Los Angeles, where we enjoyed the great weather, good food and beautiful areas of the city. We hiked to the Hollywood sign, drove to the Santa Monica pier went to a Angels baseball game. We then boarded our cruise ship, which made stops in San Francisco (Muir Woods, Cablecars and the sourdough factory), Victoria (beautiful weather and scenery) and dropped us off in Vancouver. Tom and I rented bikes and we rode around Stanley Park. The next day we took Amtrak to Seattle, where 3 days turned into 5 because all of the flights into the northeast were cancelled. We spent those days using up our City Pass, drinking coffee and visiting the cool neighborhoods in Seattle.
After nearly 2 weeks, returning to our little apartment felt amazing (and like we lived in a mansion). We were home for about 2 weeks before we packed up Tom's entire family and took them to Niagara Falls and then to visit my parents in Pennsylvania. Since it was officially our first anniversary, and we were at the place where we got married, we took some "one year later" photos. I recapped our wedding (since I wasn't blogging back then) and finished up the series with a bunch of things Took and I have learned in our first year married.
This month, as I sat in a room with my fellow jurors for a week (without internet access- what a welcome home party that was) I got a little 'vacation-sick'. This was the month I delved further into some of the things we did, and I brag about my husband some more in the San Francisco post. I married a shoulda-been tour guide, lucky me :)
I planted my garden. I was a complete flop, and I never mentioned it on here after some initial photos, but my dreams were dashed. (dashed?) But I finally (after years of obsessing) made homemade bread! And, in what I will call my 'jury duty' series, I got introspective and wrote the selfie paradox, about my need to relinquish control and learning how to be more outgoing.
Over the July 4th weekend, we took a roadtrip to the Creation Museum (crossing 5 states and back) in just 3 days. Let me just say that Google's 10 hour driving estimate was really 15 hours when you factor in holiday traffic and the needs of 7 different bladders. I told Tom we are never to do that again. But, it was a great trip :)
Also, 1 year after finding out that we were pregnant, 2 miscarriages and jumping through lots of medical hoops.... we find out we can get pregnant at any time! New doctor, less messing around. We booked a beach vacation for November, and I hit my 1 Year Anniversary blogging :)
I worked on my domesticity a bit this month, and improved upon my homemade bread recipe. I thought back 4 years to the time Tom and I thought a good date would be to visit a 'ghost' town. I talked about how much we spent on medical expenses this year, just trying to maintain a baby (and we keep in mind that we got off so easy, compared to others). And, since I have complained about the NYC subway enough times this past year, I made a nice post highlighting some things I would love to encounter when commuting.
Finally, our first "2nd Annual" arrived, and we returned to Fishkill farms with the entire NYC family for some apple picking and fall festivities. Tom grew up going to Puerto Rico every year, so this isn't that 'new' of an idea to him. But I never grew up having family vacations, so I love the idea of having some family trips that become an annual thing (we are planning on February being our 2nd annual snow-tubing trip for that same reason).
Tom participated in the NYC Century bike tour, which is a 100 mile bike ride that led him all around the 5 boroughs. And, I brag. You know I can't get past how awesome his biking story has been this year. I go a little crazy with welcoming autumn into our house, and not only vow to make all sorts of fall dishes, but I decorate with leaves and candles the first chance I get. Making a home feel like home, not much else tops that for me.
I wrote the required (right?) Where Were You post, about September 11th. And, I write about what Tom's family saw that day, being that they lived here for it.Oh and I aged another year, and decided I should quit counting birthdays at 28.
This month I attempted to participate in 'Blogtober', where you write on set prompts, every day. I failed on the first weekend, because I simply do not write on the weekends. I spend all my time relaxing, and avoiding the computer if possible. But, the posts that I did get out were interesting, and like the A-Z Challenge in April, I am glad I did it. It allowed me to write some of my favorite posts, including...
Started 'trying' to conceive this month, after a self-appointed hiatus to let my body return to normal after a tumultuous beginning of 2014. Finally, our trip to Treasure Island/ St. Petersburg arrived, but it came during a cold spell so 2014 will be our first beach-less year (although we did try, but only could manage up to our knees. Cold!). The temperature was about 15 degrees cooler than we would've liked but we filled the days with alligators, manatees and a freezing trip to a Disney water park (which was great because there weren't any lines). Evenings we spent going on dates and not asking ' how was work', visiting different restaurants and the movies. The last day was beautiful, but the water was still freezing. We hung out by the pool, fell asleep in the warm sun and managed to get a tan. Good vacation.
This month I also wrote about how life takes you places you never expected to go, and revealed that I have yet to change my last name, and that this blog is a fraud (Gasp!). I had a suspicion that I was pregnant towards the end of the month, and when we were visiting my mother for Thanksgiving, I had a rough period that made me cry 'early miscarriage'.... Escape to Treasure Island More Clearly Myself I'm a fraud. This blog is a fraud.
December ... so I went to the doctor to determine if I did miscarry, or if I overreacted. Bloodwork confirmed that I overreacted. I was embarrassed, but relieved that we didn't have to wait another few months to try again. Picked up our first Christmas tree, named it George, and spent many nights telling Dora to leave him alone. She's going to be heartbroken when he's gone, I think it brings out her primal inner cat, living in the wilds of our living room. In typical Hispanic style, Christmas Eve was the big dinner with family and gifts, and reflecting on why Christ came that day (and why we celebrate). Christmas Day wasn't much more than leftovers and maybe a movie. New Years Eve will be with family as well, ringing in 2015 with the people who've been with us through the past year's trails and triumphs. Prepare Yourself for Christmas What do you adore? Christmas- The Who, What, Where and Why
And tomorrow, on New Years Eve, we are going to do exactly what we did last year (play more dominoes, watch the ball drop and enjoy time with family).
2013 held a lot of life changes, and 2014 felt like it was all about growth. I can't wait to see you next year and continue figuring out life, marriage, NYC and (hopefully) motherhood brings in 2015! Happy New Years!
Inuit people (aka 'Eskimos') have an extensive vocabulary dedicated to describe snow. English is a bit more rigid. "Love" for example, can mean so many things. And we use it so frequently that it's meaning is now diluted.
"I love you." (without a glance at your loved one, while texting). "I love when the bus gets to the bus stop at the same time I do." "I love that perfume." "I love snow." "Love that." "Lovely." (said sarcastically)
But what do you adore?
a·dore
əˈdô(ə)r/
1. love and respect (someone) deeply.
synonyms:love dearly, love, be devoted to, dote on, hold dear, cherish, treasure, prize, think the world of 2. worship; venerate. synonyms:worship, glorify, praise, revere, reverence, exalt, extol, venerate, pay homage to "I adore that sweater." No, you don't! And if you do spend your spare hours thinking about what your sweater is doing at that moment, if it's safe and when you get to see it again- something is wrong with you. We've been designed to adore people. Family, close friend, new loves and spouses. Our children. God.
O Come Let Us Adore Him. Christ the Lord.
Those singing those words, speaking one to another were devoted, praising and en route to pay homage. They couldn't help it, their Lord was born that day. Impossible to stay away, impossible to ignore the truth. Much in the way you can't imagine being away from your new love or your newborn child- you can't stay away from God. If you adore them, you desire to be with them constantly.
So tell me...
Have you found yourself adoring him?
Are you as frustrated as I am, with people 'adoring' inanimate objects?
Last night, instead of preparing breakfast the evening before (Tom had requested hard-boiled eggs), I put it off. When I woke this morning, I had a congested head, an inbox full of emails and my phone ringing off the hook. I didn't want to make the dumb eggs. I would've much preferred to throw some cereal on the table and call it breakfast.
It's pretty obvious that preparing for things we know are coming is the best way to avoid last-minute stress. The Christmas season is here, and I'm seeing a lot of "I'm so sick of wrapping gifts" or "I have no time to bake cookies and attend church programs and clean the house for our upcoming Christmas party". By the time that you hand out the gifts and cookies, go to the church program or hold that holiday party, you almost resent it. Because it snuck up on you, you were rushed and you feel guilty for being behind schedule.
If only you had prepared, right?
This Christmas, take time to prepare for the birthday of Christ. It's much easier to set a baking schedule to be 'done on time', but do you really want this important holiday to approach, with more time spent on baking than getting yourself into a reflective state of mind?
If you call yourself Christian, attempt to prepare you heart for this holiday. Christmas might have connotations of cookies, dinner parties and gifts- but it really is about the greatest gift of all- payment for our sins.
So tell me...
Have you found yourself playing 'catch up' with the season yet?
Do you have a way you prepare yourself for what this holiday is really about?
We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
Lynn Hall
Do you ever find yourself living life and suddenly realize how much you've changed from your "previous self"? It happens regularly for me, often spurred on by the most commonplace things.
I asked the waitress to change the station playing Nicky Minaj's most recent song (yup, that one) because it was foul. We were at a sushi restaurant. Whatever happened to the classics? Windchimes by the River and Pan Flute guys, on repeat? Bring those back please. Wanting something and finding nothing wrong in asking for it- that's not something I would've expected to see from my previous self. I would've just kept quiet.
When someone asks me for directions in a neighborhood I'm only passing through myself... and I give them directions like I live there. I realize that I must look like a local, since they chose to ask me out of all the people to walk by them in the past two minutes. I remember I gave my first directions out when I lived here for only a month (and barely knew how to get home myself). I called Tom all excited, and asked if I was a New Yorker yet. I think he said not yet.
Being told by my family or friends from anywhere other than NYC that I walk so fast (or talk too fast, or am so busy, etc). It's completely true, I rarely am able to find a moment of calm, everything here is so hurried. Even at home, in complete silence, the factory outside has a beeping forklift backing up, cars honking, radiator hissing and banging. At 3 am, you can still hear the train rumbling by a block away. Some of my favorite memories of the year working in the country before moving here involve a cup of coffee on the back porch, relaxing as the sun rose.
It's still a shock to me whenever we call a cab or interact with anyone who is Mexican/Puerto Rican/ Dominican (etc) and they assume I can speak or understand Spanish. I know that this is because I no longer have that "I have no idea what is being said around me" look on my face and oftentimes laugh along because I do have a decent idea what the topic is. At least I fit in, and will hopefully have some more Spanish under my belt before we return to Puerto Rico this summer.
I look around my home and realize that I never really was the type to dream about my future husband, kids, home and domesticity. But I kind of am rocking the whole wife thing. This morning we were talking about life insurance and last night want on a date to come home and do dishes. I woke at 6am(!?!) and made breakfast. My house is usually clean and stocked, and I wasn't an especially tidy or organized person up until I moved out on my own.
But. why? These all add up to a substantially different person from who I was even 5 years ago.
Growing up I wasn't really taught to be social or confident. To be fair, there wasn't another child around for miles around, so a lot of my childhood was spent with adults or playing outdoors. In grade school, little kids can get along with everyone, for a while. But when I reached 5th & 6th grade, AKA the awkward years, I suddenly found out that I didn't know how to talk to people. In the years when subgroups were formed, I fit nowhere. I wasn't into sports, my studies, fashion or really exceptional in any way. I was just quiet. Which led to an angsty teenager that then faded into a shy "nice enough" college student that didn't have much self esteem.
How things have changed. I'm reminded of this when I run into someone I haven't seen since college, high school, and especially grade school. When someone says 'Wow- you've changed so much" I realize that I just grew up. Life happens, and while I'm sure I would be different had I lived on a farm or in a suburb, it would've happened eventually. Life's trials and triumphs- struggling to make ends meet, learning how to live with roommates (and then a husband), then making it through two pregnancies that ended earlier than they should've. Learning how to be married and budget and plan and pray- all of it changed me. And while changing usually happens gradually, this year I can visibly see the changes in myself. So tell me...
Are you different than you were 5 years ago? What would be the biggest difference?
