Baby Loss Awareness Week

Huffington Post has an article up that hit me hard, with many of the points applying personally and some that I never was able to have.

I've never felt "phantom kicks" but I did wonder if was possible to go a whole day without crying. Could a heart break from sadness? And could it turn cold, since I didn't cry hardly at all for my second loss? Those email updates were almost the end of me. The unsubscribe button seemed to ignore my requests, and buybuy baby to this day sends us coupons and tells us to come visit their newest location. And at what point in a new pregnancy will I be able to feel excitement, and stop feeling held back by fear of another loss?

And the guilt. Being jealous when someone who I was pregnant along with keeps growing a bigger belly, at the rate I that I was supposed to. I've had some unexpected teary eyes in church, and for that matter, while co-hosting her baby shower. Her son is such a sweet baby now, but it feels like I'm being forced every Sunday to see what my second baby would've looked like today, the milestones that would've been reached.

But then there are the problems that come along with recurrent miscarriages. Like hearing from your husband how a co-worker asked him how the new mama was doing, thinking that we must've had baby #1 by now. Then how he had to explain that we lost it and another as well. Seeing him come to the understanding why I asked him to not tell the whole workplace, just "in case". And while I do like to be right at times, I hated being right about this.

Or, like how you mention something simple like that you've loved Skittles ever since your 'first pregnancy' to someone you see everyday, who then breaks down because they never knew you were pregnant and lost a second baby. Then later disclose that they've lost 4, the most recent landing them in the hospital on life support a month back.

Yeah, that happened this last week and reminds me more than ever that the reason for this blog even existing isn't just a personal journal or a potential future avenue for my own business. It was started to give a voice to those who have grief in pregnancy.

I found myself whispering with the woman I mentioned above about her miscarriages. I know she's chosen to keep them private, unlike me (on the web anyways), and I wonder why we feel that we must whisper. We don't broadcast deaths in our family because we are proud of them, we make them known to ask for support and prayer. We welcome help from church members, loved ones, and request bereavement leave from work. And generally, those things are given if they are available.

But if we whisper, we suffer in silence. I had a death, not just in the family, but inside me. Twice. That deserves some paid time off of work in my personal opinion. While I did want to be left alone with my husband, some flowers or cooked meals would have cheered me up and a written note or letter of encouragement definitely would have been such a needed blessing.

I've learned. Next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to record it. I'll talk about the highs and lows. Grow a support system. And if there is another miscarriage, I hope some support does make its way over to our door. And that I stop encouraging this culture of whispering that seems to be stuck in our subconscious.

In the meantime, I have gained a penpal who is in the situation of just trying to conceive. We are in different boats, trying to stay afloat in the same ocean. But knowing that someone is out there, who prays specifically for me in the realm of being childless, getting through any recurring grief and in growing in the Lord is exactly what I need. I know that there are others who need support, whether through letters, prayers or in finding someone online who is being honest about their struggles with pregnancy. 

Knowing this keeps my fire lit, and as we start trying again this November, please pray for us, and know that we want support. The world is a small enough place that we all know know someone who has had trouble in their pregnancies (or lack of). Let's be more compassionate and stop whispering.

Also,
And one year later..... I'm Hitting Reset
The Unexpected Costs
Unable. National Infertility Awareness Week
Why Did I Miscarry? Blood Results
The Cross and Miscarriage
And 30 days after that...


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It's about that time again! Six months ago I wrote from A-Z, a different letter every day in April (except Sundays). This time around I'm going to write a post every day in October, hence Blogtober. Clever, huh?

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