Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Huffington Post has an article up that hit me hard, with many of the points applying personally and some that I never was able to have.

I've never felt "phantom kicks" but I did wonder if was possible to go a whole day without crying. Could a heart break from sadness? And could it turn cold, since I didn't cry hardly at all for my second loss? Those email updates were almost the end of me. The unsubscribe button seemed to ignore my requests, and buybuy baby to this day sends us coupons and tells us to come visit their newest location. And at what point in a new pregnancy will I be able to feel excitement, and stop feeling held back by fear of another loss?

And the guilt. Being jealous when someone who I was pregnant along with keeps growing a bigger belly, at the rate I that I was supposed to. I've had some unexpected teary eyes in church, and for that matter, while co-hosting her baby shower. Her son is such a sweet baby now, but it feels like I'm being forced every Sunday to see what my second baby would've looked like today, the milestones that would've been reached.

But then there are the problems that come along with recurrent miscarriages. Like hearing from your husband how a co-worker asked him how the new mama was doing, thinking that we must've had baby #1 by now. Then how he had to explain that we lost it and another as well. Seeing him come to the understanding why I asked him to not tell the whole workplace, just "in case". And while I do like to be right at times, I hated being right about this.

Or, like how you mention something simple like that you've loved Skittles ever since your 'first pregnancy' to someone you see everyday, who then breaks down because they never knew you were pregnant and lost a second baby. Then later disclose that they've lost 4, the most recent landing them in the hospital on life support a month back.

Yeah, that happened this last week and reminds me more than ever that the reason for this blog even existing isn't just a personal journal or a potential future avenue for my own business. It was started to give a voice to those who have grief in pregnancy.

I found myself whispering with the woman I mentioned above about her miscarriages. I know she's chosen to keep them private, unlike me (on the web anyways), and I wonder why we feel that we must whisper. We don't broadcast deaths in our family because we are proud of them, we make them known to ask for support and prayer. We welcome help from church members, loved ones, and request bereavement leave from work. And generally, those things are given if they are available.

But if we whisper, we suffer in silence. I had a death, not just in the family, but inside me. Twice. That deserves some paid time off of work in my personal opinion. While I did want to be left alone with my husband, some flowers or cooked meals would have cheered me up and a written note or letter of encouragement definitely would have been such a needed blessing.

I've learned. Next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to record it. I'll talk about the highs and lows. Grow a support system. And if there is another miscarriage, I hope some support does make its way over to our door. And that I stop encouraging this culture of whispering that seems to be stuck in our subconscious.

In the meantime, I have gained a penpal who is in the situation of just trying to conceive. We are in different boats, trying to stay afloat in the same ocean. But knowing that someone is out there, who prays specifically for me in the realm of being childless, getting through any recurring grief and in growing in the Lord is exactly what I need. I know that there are others who need support, whether through letters, prayers or in finding someone online who is being honest about their struggles with pregnancy. 

Knowing this keeps my fire lit, and as we start trying again this November, please pray for us, and know that we want support. The world is a small enough place that we all know know someone who has had trouble in their pregnancies (or lack of). Let's be more compassionate and stop whispering.

Also,
And one year later..... I'm Hitting Reset
The Unexpected Costs
Unable. National Infertility Awareness Week
Why Did I Miscarry? Blood Results
The Cross and Miscarriage
And 30 days after that...


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It's about that time again! Six months ago I wrote from A-Z, a different letter every day in April (except Sundays). This time around I'm going to write a post every day in October, hence Blogtober. Clever, huh?

Follow along by adding me on Bloglovin', Google+ and Instagram.


The Daily Tay

20 comments:

  1. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must have gone through... If anything like that would have happened with my twins, I know that I wouldn't have been emotionally sound afterwards. After reading this I had to go pick up one of them and cuddle them, I am so thankful to have this chance to be with them and I wish you the very best of luck in the future. I hope one day you get your own little bundle of joy to cuddle while perusing the internet.

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    1. Your twins are beautiful, but take your postpartum hormones to some happy puppy videos! I don't want you to be getting upset, although I'm glad this post had you running to cuddle your child :) Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. I will pray for you, and am so sorry for your losses. I have suffered with three losses, over 25 years ago and still feel the pain. I did go on to have children, and pray that you will, too. God bless you. Thank you for sharing this wonderful post on Together on Tuesdays :)

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    1. I was glad to participate, and thank you for your kind words!

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  3. Your post brought back some painful memories I thought had long gone until I read it. Can I just say that 15 years later the unexpected pang of loss can still get me? But happily those moments come fewer and farther in between than I ever might have thought and my lifel has found peace, if not total happiness. My thoughts and prayers go with you my dear! Thanks for this brave sharing!

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    1. I've no doubt that the pain will always be there, and while it has gotten much easier since, it'll never go away. And thank you for stopping by and saying hello, It's not the easiest thing to comment and tell your story either :)

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  4. Farin! Such a beautifully written and transparent post. You are right, there is a culture of whispering of which I'm at fault. Thank you for bringing attention to it. You are such a blessing to me and others, and I will continue to lift you guys up. Praising God for sending you and your letters my way. Love, Angie

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and saying hi Angie :) And I know that not everyone who has troubles with fertility will want to broadcast it. So I'm putting it out there on their behalf :)

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  5. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I had two second term miscarriages ten and nine years ago and it was devastating. My mother who still mourns my father who died 35 years ago told me I just needed to get over it. Why is it that we aren't supposed to mourn our lost children? I know have two children so it eventually worked out, but I still mourn my lost children.

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    1. Its amazing to see how people mourn differently. I'm with you, if anyone told me to get over it, I'd be put off at first too (even if it were a family member).

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  6. I'm so sorry for your losses! Saying a prayer for you.

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  7. Personally, I'm glad my friends and family knew about my miscarriages. They were able to celebrate with us and were there for love and support when we were grieving. I know that some people want to go through it alone but that sounds too hard for me.

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    1. I agree. I tend to not involve my coworkers and acquaintances, simply because it can get so overwhelming, and they'll find out eventually anyway. Friends and family are so important, so they can be there for the triumphs and if there are any 'problems'.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your losses. I've never faced miscarriage but have been on the journey through infertility for more than six and a half years.Saying a prayer for you right now, that as you start TTC again in November, God will be your strength, comfort and encourager. I can only imagine how hard it must be after experiencing loss. Thank you for sharing your story. It's true that everyone has to find their own way through the grief and through what they share. I do believe that you have a valuable story to share and tell though and it's true that those that read benefit too.

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    1. I'm hoping that you're right, and even if writing here about the journey is therapeutic, that it helps others as well. Thank you for the encouragement!

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  9. We lost a baby boy between our second and third living children. He'd be 18 now. It's a horrible thing to go through, but with time and other children, the pain does fade. I hope that someday you can look back, grateful for the family that you got to raise, whether they come to you by birth or adoption, and be at peace with your losses.

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  10. Farin- I'm so very sorry to hear about your losses and your co-worker's. I admire you for wanting to be so open with your next pregnancy. It is so very hard to see someone who has child at the age yours would've been. I'm currently facing that with an acquaintance who got pregnant around the time of my chemical pregnancy and another person I see on a daily basis who got pregnant around the time my last IVF failed. Hugs and love to you.

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    1. That's easily been the hardest part (that makes sense, right?). But hopefully this blog allows others to see that they aren't alone.

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