Thursday, October 24, 2013

Jay-Z and my "You've Broken the Law" notice

I have really weird dreams (can't you just talk from that title?) And while I don't do any form of dream divination or secular fortune telling I do know that I get really worked up during the day and suffer for it at night.

This could I'd what goes on inside my head when left to run amok, when I'm asleep."This is what I imagine Tom has to endure. Poor Bizkit. Usually I don't wake so dramatically.

Part One
I've been kidnapped by Jay-Zs mobsters with a bunch of random people who I don't know (but seem friendly with). Isn't that always the case. We're poking around, wondering why his house isn't all that impressive, and he walks in. He's upset about something, but guess I didn't care because I just kept thinking that he should have at least 2 cars, considering he's such a big deal. Unimpressed.

Part Two

We're leaving Jay-Zs and apparently it ain't no thang, because we never met Beyonce or baby-Z, and we all just say bye.

Upon getting home, my mother -because I'm living with my mother again in my dreams?- told me that there's a letter from The Government. It's a 'You've broken The Law' notice, with a shot of me taken from a surveillance camera, throwing something in the garbage.

"You've been caught throwing recyclable material in the garbage can" it reported. "Also, your coworker expressed concern that while it was 'only a date stamper', it could prove to be a heartwarming souvenir, as all the employees quit in your department and were relocating".

When I arrived at work I got another copy of the same notice. And that the company was relocating all the workers, and I should go buy a date stamper for the girl who reported me to The Government.
I don't think that I did, as I woke up afterwards. And while I was in trouble for not recycling (but wouldn't that go in the trash?) she was willing to steal office supplies. Hm.

Where's did all this come from? 
I went to a work event yesterday and saw a Jay-Z look alike, but creepier and eyeing the candy I had placed out on my table. And then that evening, Tom scolded me about not recycling a piece of paper.

And it seems I fear for the future of the known world, considering it was 'the Government' versus the police.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Raised Eyebrows

I'm all for the brave new world of bold eyebrows (or in my case, creating visible eyebrows since mine are see-through), but who decided that it was a good idea to redesign their shape?

Two girls were sitting across from me and I was captivated (in the worst way). And while I'm not scared to take random pics of people because they have cute shoes // they are in the way of the advertisement I want to photograph // they look like a stuntdouble of my friend/sister/husband and it's hilarious- I'm not going to take mean pics and post them online.

Plenty of people have made posting about bad eyebrows their thing- so you can look here if you're so inclined.

But, if you are interested, these are my renditions.

Way to high/archey, and sleeping fuzzy caterpillars
I have amazing MS Paint skills.

I have embraced the eyebrow pencil and brush, and I really just stick with the 'color within the lines' rule of thumb. As I commuted along this morning, I debate whether or not mine are as ridiculous. I faced the door windows and raised my eyebrows at myself. I'm sure it scared some people on the other side.

And then I realized I was being dumb, sat my butt down and fell asleep for the rest of the commute.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Craving some Baking

I have a seriously frivolous problem. I want to bake (things that I could do without) in our nonfunctional oven. Well it functions, constantly, in leaking gas. We've done everything to fix it but it's time to get it out of our house!

Truthfully, we don't cook all that often. We work odd/late hours, so when we get home we go to my inlaws to eat leftovers. And that's cool. Except for when it isn't. I want to bake bread. I am craving a cake. I want to make a pie, and I have a nice pie plate who has never seen the inside of an oven.

I used to be a baking master. Then I moved to New York where I didn't have a kitchen for 3 years.

I seems it's time to get us an oven ASAP. And with any major purchase, (this is major in your 20s, people)- it requires way too much research. Ovens are expensive though! You have to pay for the window in the front, which I thought came standard.

How much do they really expect me to spend on a 24 inch stove? I've never bought an appliance before, I can imagine how I'll be repeating this when we hit the more expensive section in our life. You know, like kids and hopefully a house.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Friday's Letters

Dear Post it notes:
     I can't wait to replace you all with my new planner. I get thrilled every time I can throw one of you out, one by one, but there are really just an endless pile of you. Time to Go. Additionally, buying a planner reminded me of getting a new one from high school every year, and how I loved to decorate it. I was a dork.

Dear Husband:
     I take back yesterday's post. I want you to stay. This weather is cold and your warm feet (opposite of women's feet?) were the only thing that sustained me. Oh, wait. Electric blanket. Nevermind :)

Dear TMJ:
    Thank you being less irritable, I sincerely hope we can work this out and once I get the mouthgard my teeth grinding will stop.

Dear weather:
     Um, thanks for the cold weather but wow! Way to jump from 80's to 55 in the morning. Not impressed.

Dear NYC:
     Can you not be so smelly and annoying this morning? And can you not have a lady screaming on Queens Blvd below my work window, and the Cash for Gold guy not block my path as I am on my way to glorious Dunkin Donuts?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

A Letter to My Husband

Today you're leaving me. The open road is calling, and despite the numerous roadtrips, you need some guy time to nurture your bromance.

It's cool. I get it. And... I'm not exactly heartbroken about it. I will lounge in my PJs, bake some bread, paint my nails and watch a chick flick. Or maybe just sleep in. Or maybe not. My choice.

I initially was a little jealous. I mean, you will get to visit the amazing Uruguayan cafe on Collins Ave. You can grab a cuban espresso where I had my first caffeine overload, or you can soak up the sun. But then I realize, you can do all those things but you have to do them in about a 2 hour period. Because you are crazy and gave yourself only Saturday and Sunday to accomplish this whole trip. And will immediately be flying back home to New York early on Monday.

I love that you want separate guy time, and that you have independent interests and friends. I hate biking, but would go cheer you on in a bike tour. I can't imagine driving to Florida one day, just to fly back the next.

I guess this road trip is really just about the bromance, after all. You both have been biking all over the northeast, attempted and failed many a bike trip, sustained random injuries and basically always come back with a story. So I'm kind of excited to hear the recaps.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Pennsylvania Bound: Pumpkins and Corn

Tom and I were blessed with the opportunity to visit my family in Pennsylvania this weekend. It officially was for my brother's wedding, but also allowed us (me) to visit my alma mater, and a surprise trip for Tom to do his first corn maze.

It was awesome. I love this season, and although it was 80 degrees that weekend, the pumpkins and cider and fall colors masked the summer weather.

Top 10 Things to Not Do on the NYC Subway

In the order of  "Annoys Me" to "Puts You In Danger". 

A few of these (#6) might fall into the middle ground of 'Annoying me enough to put you in danger'.
  1. Crack peanuts. Or any food that could fly onto your neighbors. Clipping your nails can fit in this category too. Also, don't eat anything that requires cutlery.
  2. Yell, scream or throw things. I don't need to explain this one, do I?
  3. Sit for one stop. If you're riding the subway for 1 minute, give your seat to the lady with 3 kids.
  4. This is not your home. Please don't put your shoes where I sit.
  5. Play music loud enough for me to sing along.
  6. Litter. And yes, leaving your newspaper on the seat "for the next person" is littering. 
  7. Block the doors /mosey in slowly. If I'm wearing white and the doors are about to encase me in soot, you are going to be pushed inside.
  8. Breakdance. It's dangerous. I've been kicked in the neck before, had my phone knocked across the subway car, seen a stroller kicked away from mom. Plus, you might be awesome, but watch this.
  9. Deny a pregnant, elderly or disabled person their seat
    . Or someone who says they are nauseous. Or drunk. It's common sense really.
  10. Be lost. Big dummy move here. There's no reason to be lost. Ask people for help- just validate the person before you ask. Man with briefcase- yes. 16 year old girl with backpack- no. Many people live here and only know their neighborhood. Also,  plenty of police and MTA workers to ask, and download these apps before you enter the train station.
  11. Not be aware. Don't be a target. If you pay attention, you will be fine. But if you leave your items in the grasp of others or fall asleep without your backpack laced through your legs, you're asking to be robbed. Some additional no-brainers: don't count your cash, or enter an empty train car late at night if you feel something is off. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Friday's Letters

Dear Pennsylvania:
I am coming expecting 'peak' colors, please do not disappoint.
The first week in October has always been optimal color. For that one week it is perfection, until frost hits and everything turns brown.

Dear I-80, I-280 and New Jersey:
We don't want any trouble.
Dear Route 6:
You need to be more like your older brother, Route 66. Be laid back. Have less trucks going 10 miles an hour. You make me dread the 3rd hour of our roadtrip. Shame on you.
Dear Lady on the Street:
I admire your persistence, but I will never ever want to sell my gold or silver in the shady store next to my work. I just want to get my morning coffee. Stop trying to give me a flyer. 
Dear Pumpkins and Cider:
I am coming for you!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

New Idea- A "Don't Embarrass Yourself in Public" App

I just can't help myself. I have a serious problem.

deep breath. just say it.

I sometimes take photos of people, places or things etc when they are cool, funny, resemble someone I know. Really, for any reason. And it gets me into trouble so often.

I just did something dumb on my commute home after work. Granted, it's hilarious (will be more so once I transferred off of that train), but it sucks when it happens.

The situation:
I'm been trying to figure out what socks I am supposed to wear with boots. I don't like fuzzy thick socks, and of course when you wear boots you need high socks. Last year I made due with the fuzzy socks I hate, and have this year vowed to replace them with some boot socks. But, what are those??

Well, a girl with a cool sock to boot ratio sits across from me. So of course I attempt to take a sly photo of her shoe situation.

Aaaaaand flash goes my phone's camera. And despite my best "what just happened face" and to point camera at the floor, everyone stared at me. I feel so scummy. Like some foot fetishist, or a really unskilled stalker.

So, right now on this train, I vow that if I ever develop phone apps, I will make a special 'anti- embarrassment camera app'. For fools like me. And foot fetishists. And the unskilled stalker.

Want to hear about my app?

You hit the capture button. But first, a series of prompts:

"Are you ready to probably make a fool out of yourself?"
"Really?  Remembering the girl with the boots and the judging eyes if the strangers?"
"Ok, good luck!"

Because I had to. Questions need to be asked.
Is the Amazing Race going through NYC? Am I Being Filmed Now?

I have to take these photos. It's a long commute home, and I require entertainment. And now that I've transferred to another train it's no longer awkward. Love the big city for the easy anonymity, rite?

And because I'm sure you are all interested, some of my work:

Sometimes I document my horrible commute.
To amuse my boss, who drives to work.
This guy thought to bring his own seat along for the ride home. I had to stand.
I texted this to Tom on a game day.
Told him out future son will have matching outfits on game day with grandpa too.

I shared this with the message
"I'm dismayed that I know what twerking is, but not sriracha".
And.... my lovely sister.
Faking extreme fear while visiting on the NYC subway.
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