The Cross and Miscarriage

I haven't made the announcement that I was expecting again (there is a sort of fear that it might end, and then there would be more explaining to do.) I did briefly mention in my 2013 recap post that we conceived and that December I got to experience some pregnancy symptoms. 

I went for what was supposed to be a 9 week appointment to find that I had lost a baby again, and the next day started miscarrying. I, in all honestly, just started feeling back to normal again yesterday- which blew my mind since the first time it happened all in the course of 6 hours.

It has been a stressful, hard week. A lot of emotions, and a lot of work done and scheduled in the coming weeks.

But. There a blog post I recently read entitled "The Cross and Mothering".

I'm not a mother (yet), but I do find this post important for all women to read. Women are so competitive, it's in our nature. It so easy for us to focus on what we are doing instead of what God is doing with us.

"Because rather than focusing on our failures OR our accomplishments we can REST in the completed work of Christ- and only that-not our performance-and just rest in His overwhelming love for us. We need to trade in our performance obsession OR our failing obsession {which are BOTH really a sin obsessions} for a Savior obsession."

I've been down on myself, feeling quite honestly like a defective woman who is having trouble with her most basic ability. My body (in a perfect world, which this isn't) should be able to sustain a baby, yet I've had another miscarriage. It's normal to grieve and be sad, but hard to keep yourself from dwelling on your supposed shortcomings and to remain focused on the big picture.

The first time around I wished we had lost the baby earlier, before we could get so excited. This time, I felt guilty for remaining indifferent so far into the pregnancy. I wanted to prevent myself from getting hurt if we lost it. Then after starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms I gave in and allowed myself to get excited and read about this new phase, again. But then of course the symptoms went away after Christmas, but the thing that I'm more upset this time is the understanding that anytime I get a positive pregnancy test I'll be guarded until a certain point is met. I don't even know what point that would be- the heartbeat heard (we saw the first baby's heartbeat) or maybe when I feel movement. I wish I could get excited like so many women can when they see the 2nd faint pink line appear.

Who am I to expect perfection from God in my trials, when he never expects it from me? The "perfect" family, marriage, job, children, house or lifestyles are not guaranteed or earned despite being pinned on Pinterest or showcased on social media. Why don't we talk about trials like miscarriage more?

But of course, we are human and keep asking why. But the answer that keeps popping up for me is Ministry. If these losses are necessary because they teach me compassion I might've lacked otherwise to other women suffering, then that's great. God has entrusted everyone with situations that are designed for them to use to glorify the Lord. We can hide the unpleasantness away, or (when we're ready) we can shine a light on it.

Part 2, here.