Being a grouch, and my love of grilled cheese sandwiches

1. What's your favorite time of day? Why?
I get up during the week at 6am, and usually wake Tom for breakfast at 630 or 7. I love being able to hang out on the couch and watch the news together, while I wait for incoming phone calls. On the weekends, I love 10-11am. If I am up that early on a Saturday, I miss a lot of the crowds who wait until the afternoon to do any errands or shopping (making me feel super productive), and on Sunday I go to church and enjoy listening to the sermon and worshiping with friends.

2. Waffle iron, toaster, coffee maker, mixer, blender...which small appliance would you say most needs replacing in your house? 
Well.. I refuse to buy a toaster, waffle iron, or any small appliance I do not need. Our kitchen is tiny- so I toast our bread on a frying pan. But, I would love a Vitamix or high-powered blender. Ours doesn't need replacing though, unless you could a permanent "sofrito" odor that sticks in the plastic.

3. It's National Grouch Day (October 15)...what's something that makes you feel grouchy?
Arriving to work (my pm shift in the office) and having everyone bombard me with work immediately. Give me half an hour. Please back away.

4. Ever been to Canada? Is that a country you'd like to visit? According to Trip Advisor, the top ten best destinations in Canada are-Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, Quebec City, Victoria, Calgary, Niagara on the Lake, Niagara Falls, Whistler, and Halifax. Which city would you most like to see?
This past May, we actually took a cruise from LA to Vancouver, and loved Canada! I think Victoria was incredibly serene and beautiful, and the culture in Vancouver was almost like a big city grew, but the residents remained incredibly grounded and nice. Win-win!

5. What was your favorite food (or one of your favorites) when you were a child? Is that still a favorite?
Grilled cheese sandwiches. On wonderbread, with kraft cheese. And while that is all fine and good, I probably wouldn't ever make it again. However, we do go to The Melt Shop, where they make delicious grilled cheese sandwiches, Parmesan tater tots and tomato soup :) So I am just a complete hypocrite (or perhaps just lazy). Things always taste better when you don't have to make them, am i right?

6. Do you cry easily?
Since the pregnancies, I have definitely changed emotionally. No more scary or suspenseful shows, gore no more. And when I watch a sad movie (or read about anything heart-wrenching online) I can almost guarantee some tears will appear.

7. Have you started your (gasp!) Christmas shopping? If so when, and how much? If not, when will you even begin thinking about it?
I have! When I saw some sales in August, I jumped on the bandwagon and started squirreling items away. I love that all the women will be taken care of, I just need to figure out some manly gifts in the next few months.

8. Insert your own random thought here.
I woke with an angry blister on my finger from burning myself while cooking yesterday. And it's right where I would hold a pen against my middle finger, so my penmanship looks like a 2 year old's might look. Any suggestions on how to get this thing to go away?

Baby Loss Awareness Week

Huffington Post has an article up that hit me hard, with many of the points applying personally and some that I never was able to have.

I've never felt "phantom kicks" but I did wonder if was possible to go a whole day without crying. Could a heart break from sadness? And could it turn cold, since I didn't cry hardly at all for my second loss? Those email updates were almost the end of me. The unsubscribe button seemed to ignore my requests, and buybuy baby to this day sends us coupons and tells us to come visit their newest location. And at what point in a new pregnancy will I be able to feel excitement, and stop feeling held back by fear of another loss?

And the guilt. Being jealous when someone who I was pregnant along with keeps growing a bigger belly, at the rate I that I was supposed to. I've had some unexpected teary eyes in church, and for that matter, while co-hosting her baby shower. Her son is such a sweet baby now, but it feels like I'm being forced every Sunday to see what my second baby would've looked like today, the milestones that would've been reached.

But then there are the problems that come along with recurrent miscarriages. Like hearing from your husband how a co-worker asked him how the new mama was doing, thinking that we must've had baby #1 by now. Then how he had to explain that we lost it and another as well. Seeing him come to the understanding why I asked him to not tell the whole workplace, just "in case". And while I do like to be right at times, I hated being right about this.

Or, like how you mention something simple like that you've loved Skittles ever since your 'first pregnancy' to someone you see everyday, who then breaks down because they never knew you were pregnant and lost a second baby. Then later disclose that they've lost 4, the most recent landing them in the hospital on life support a month back.

Yeah, that happened this last week and reminds me more than ever that the reason for this blog even existing isn't just a personal journal or a potential future avenue for my own business. It was started to give a voice to those who have grief in pregnancy.

I found myself whispering with the woman I mentioned above about her miscarriages. I know she's chosen to keep them private, unlike me (on the web anyways), and I wonder why we feel that we must whisper. We don't broadcast deaths in our family because we are proud of them, we make them known to ask for support and prayer. We welcome help from church members, loved ones, and request bereavement leave from work. And generally, those things are given if they are available.

But if we whisper, we suffer in silence. I had a death, not just in the family, but inside me. Twice. That deserves some paid time off of work in my personal opinion. While I did want to be left alone with my husband, some flowers or cooked meals would have cheered me up and a written note or letter of encouragement definitely would have been such a needed blessing.

I've learned. Next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to record it. I'll talk about the highs and lows. Grow a support system. And if there is another miscarriage, I hope some support does make its way over to our door. And that I stop encouraging this culture of whispering that seems to be stuck in our subconscious.

In the meantime, I have gained a penpal who is in the situation of just trying to conceive. We are in different boats, trying to stay afloat in the same ocean. But knowing that someone is out there, who prays specifically for me in the realm of being childless, getting through any recurring grief and in growing in the Lord is exactly what I need. I know that there are others who need support, whether through letters, prayers or in finding someone online who is being honest about their struggles with pregnancy. 

Knowing this keeps my fire lit, and as we start trying again this November, please pray for us, and know that we want support. The world is a small enough place that we all know know someone who has had trouble in their pregnancies (or lack of). Let's be more compassionate and stop whispering.

Also,
And one year later..... I'm Hitting Reset
The Unexpected Costs
Unable. National Infertility Awareness Week
Why Did I Miscarry? Blood Results
The Cross and Miscarriage
And 30 days after that...

Mom's Monster Cookies

I know it's only October and it seems a bit early to mention December or Christmas, but hear me out.

We're going to visit my mother this long weekend, and one of the things I will be doing while I'm there is raiding her recipe books. She isn't a world class chef or baker, but I love the simplicity of it all. These recipes are ones that I've grown up with, and loved since I could remember handing her the ingredients.

Enter: Monster Cookies. 
My mother and I would make this recipe every year, come mid-December, on an day when we had the entire evening free. It's the perfect thing to bake for those unexpected gifts that come up (coworkers, church, etc), because this recipe makes 50 dozen cookies.

50 dozen cookies.

To properly make this recipe, one should have the following things ready to go:
Stock soup pot (or some very large container)
Multiple cookie/baking sheets.
Wax paper or cooling racks set up
Another person to help (It was a yearly tradition with my mom, don't attempt this alone).

Monster Cookies
12 Eggs
5 cups (2 lbs*) Brown Sugar
4 cups white sugar
1 Tbsp Vanilla extract
1 Tbsp Corn Syrup
8 tsp Baking Soda
4 sticks (1 lb*) Margarine or Butter
3 jars (3 lb*) of Peanut Butter
18 cups Oatmeal
1.3 bags (1 lb*) of Chocolate Chips
1.3 bags (1 lb*) of M&Ms
Any other mix-ins, such as walnuts or raisins

1. Mix everything together
2. Drop onto an ungreased cookie sheet by teaspoon.
3. Bake at 350 until they "look done"

Gotta love a simple recipe, right?

*To clarify on the recipe's usage of pounds (lbs) instead of cups (c.)
There is a lot of sugar, butter and peanut butter in this recipe, so whoever wrote this recipe just used pounds.

Pounds	Explained
2 lbs of brown sugar	An average bag size for brown sugar
1 lb of margarine	4 sticks
3 lbs of peanut butter	3 average sized jars
1 lb of Choc. Chips	An avg bags of ch. chips is 12 oz. 16 oz equals 1 lb.
	--I live life on the edge, and add two full bags
1 lb of M&Ms	An large bag of M&Ms is 20 oz. 16 oz equals 1 lb.
	--I stick with the 16 oz (1 lb) this recipe recommends

Of course, 50 dozen does sound like a lot, but it will provide you with a ridiculous amount of easy Christmas gifts and will last you to the new year. You can also do what I plan on doing, flash freezing a bunch to snack on throughout the season.

So tell me...
Do you have a bulk cookie recipe I should know about?
What baking traditions did you grow up with?

A Hard-Boiled Kind of Morning

Good Morning. Today Blogtober prompted me to write about a Halloween memory. Well, I'm going to be a rebel yet again today, and not. Today feels like a good day to free write the stuff in my head. Sometimes I take Tom on what I call my Mental Journeys, but today I'm taking this blog. Hold onto your hats. 

Hard boiled eggs. 

With a 6am weekday wakeup, I usually make Tom and I coffee with scrambled eggs, toast, or oatmeal. Standard breakfast fare. On days I wake with a migraine or feeling ill, I "make" cereal. But, I boiled some eggs last night before bed, anticipating a hard day ahead. And..... I woke feeling fine. But now we have an acceptable meal. I remember when Tom introduced me to cumin seeds, specifically in eggs. And today, as I almost covered the eggs with sesame seeds, I realized I have no recipes for sesame seeds. Any recommendations on how to use them up?

Isn't it weird to find out life happens while you are asleep?
I obviously don't belong in this city (you know, the one that never sleeps), because I love doing just that. And because I wake up early, I see traffic jams on the news. People who woke up earlier than me to get ready, say goodbye to their families, and travel to Manhattan for work. And, today anyways, they also get stuck in traffic.

NRG. Killing birds, but saving you money.
Without fail, Tom says that phrase every time that an NRG commercial comes on. Have you seen the article about the birds getting incinerated in California? Craziness.

He also told me a story.
When Tom was 16, he got an internship working with ABC. His parents, trying to prepare him for life in the real world, told him one bit of advice that I had never heard until today. They told him to just say no to his coworkers when they would offer him cocaine. Because, (I guess??) in the 80's when they were in the corporate environment, "you want some coke" was a common question. Tom said that for his first few weeks working there, whenever he heard anyone sniffle, he'd get out of the room quick. I busted up in laughter, but, it could've been that way. Maybe. I mean, have you seen "The Wolf of Wall Street"? That is not a movie recommendation, in case you were wondering. Ech.

Sting has a musical.

Never would I have thought I'd want to see a musical by Sting. But this one seems different. Basically The Last Ship is about Sting's early childhood life, living in 'the shadow of a shipyard', while the shipbuilding industry was in decline.  I stumbled upon this TED Talk awhile ago, and a few weeks ago saw it was in fact, a promo for his musical, and not just an awesome TED Talk. Watch this talk below, and tell me you're not intrigued.

A Letter to Future Me

Dear 2024 Me,

38 huh? Hopefully you've learned Spanish by this point ;-)

But in all seriousness, I hope that by this point you will have found your calling, whether it be motherhood or not, self employed or not, country life or not. But more importantly, I pray that whatever stage of life you're in with marriage, motherhood and career that God is still held at the center and you seek to be happy second. And it's not important if you're still figuring it out. We all are.

Sincerely, 2014 Me

The Most Dysfunctional Vacation. Ever.

Today's prompt is for the "best and worst vacation" we've ever had. Since all my vacations have been pretty awesome, I'm choosing to write on the most dysfunctional one I've ever been on.

Of course, it was a roadtrip, because those never go as planned.

It started off simple enough. My sister implored our father to allow me to come spend June and part of July seeing some of the world outside rural Pennsylvania. I was 13 and she was 20, a newlywed, and living in Tucson Arizona. I pretty much thought she was the coolest person ever. It was agreed, I'd spend a month out there, and when my sister and her husband relocated to Maryland in July, we'd take a roadtrip back.

We took a flight out, and had a great time for the month while in Arizona. We went to Biosphere 2, Saguaro Natl Park, Mexico (Nogales), Tombstone, and the Grand Canyon. I was able to spend quality time with my sister, see what life was like outside my small town, and get taste of adventure.

The month ended, and it was time to pack up their belongings and drive to Maryland. Being in the military, this was planned well in advance, and I'm sure they spent many days planning the route. Since we were allotted 7 days to make the trip, I believe that we were expecting to travel I-10 straight across the southern US to New Orleans, then to Disney, then take 95 north to Maryland. Simple, really. A week was plenty of time to get there, after all, the entire route only takes two days of driving. Add in a few overnights, it should've made sense.

Have you ever reminisced over a 

point in your life and thought 

"That could've been made into a movie"? 

DIY Sharpie Mugs

 First impressions: Easy, simple. Attractive even. Right?

Wrong. I used three different types of Permanent markers, and baked them at 350 for 45 minutes.
And they all did this:

I'd say that's a Pinterest fail, but I'm also assuming I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Being washed by hand promptly removed the Sharpie, and this is even with me having stopped as soon as I noticed the ink disappearing.

So tell me...
Have you made these mugs and had them remain intact?
Have you fallen off the Blogtober bandwagon (ahem, like me) yet?

When I grow up, I want to be a...

I grew up the daughter of a farmer and a nurse, and knew I never wanted to be either.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed helping dad feed the calves their bottles, haying in the summer and tagging along. I've milked cows, riden cows, and been attacked by a cow. Textbook cowgirl, right here. But then I hit my teenage years and saw that it was really dirty and very hard work! Not to mention this was when all the small farms were going under, dairy prices were dismal, etc. Things you wouldn't know if you didn't hear if a dinner every night. And, while I have so much respect for my mother and the good nurses she works with, it involved touching strangers. Not something I would ever be comfortable with.

I wanted to be a veterinarian. Until I had a paper due in 6th grade, where I had to go watch a veterinarian work. Of course being the farm girl I was, I didn't get to watch kittens and puppies getting their shots. My father took me to watch a cow give birth when the vet had to come assist on the farm. It was horrifying, and while birth is beautiful, a cow giving birth is a tad much for a 12 year old girl. And, if I can be frank, there as a lot of birth involved. Anyway...

Then I wanted to be an architect. This lasted the length of a 7th grade presentation. After I got all my photos of cool, modern buildings put on my PowerPoint slides, I found out that math, geometry and the like were more than a little important.

At the ages of 12 and 13, my hopes and dreams were dashed. I was obviously never going to be employed. Life was hard, everyone wanted me to choose a profession, and every year they wanted a new report. I mean, I was 13, and was way more interested in that cute boy in my class.

2009, 2010, 2011
Not the best years for me, in the context of employment. I worked as a short-order cook (spawning my fear of poor knife-handling), became a telemarketer (and was horrible at it), moved to NYC and took a job in a billing department which my most stressful position ever. I then worked in a pizzeria 60 hours a week and got my real estate salesperson license. I loved that actually, except that not renting any apartments solidified the honest truth that I am not a salesperson.

Flash forward to 2014. 
I'm in my third year working at a desk job, helping people navigate transit and commuting in NYC. Not glamorous or lucrative. But, we get free health and dental care, I work from home part of the day, and we do have great office parties. Really, everyone should work in a small office for this reason. And, oddly, this further reminds me that I work in the NYC version of The Office.

But... what do I want to do?

I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, homeschooling and living out in the country somewhere with a cow, dozen chickens and a small business. But if I'm a childless wife, living in NYC at this office job for a long time, that's okay too. 

I just want to be happy. And so far, so good. I've learned that you shouldn't base your identity on your job.

So tell me...

What did you always want to be?

Was your path to your current job winding, or pretty straightforward?

What do you (still) want to be when you grow up?

Release the Kraken!

Say what you will about it being nothing but a dirty, crime ridden, place where zombies would go nuts. Movies really have done a number on NYC's image. But in general, it's good. I like it, and have no regrets about leaving the country for civilization.

Except.

NYC is very old, and with old cities there are bugs and roaches. They just are. I'm not necessarily referring to a Joe's Apartment scenario, where they dance, sing and help a young man woo a 311 operator. But I never even saw a roach until I moved here. And I never thought that Dora would let such crimes go unpunished.

Let me explain.

Ever since moving into the apartment last July, they've shown up. Here and there. Once in a while. But, since half of the units in our building are involved in a remodel or are having some kind of work done, I guess the resident roaches have forgotten that their natural predator lives here. And so the sometimes sneak out and act like they own the place. But they don't. The Kattan does. And yes, we give Dora cool titles when she's "hunting". I can always tell. She starts chatting, looking under the refrigerator, and spends all night in the kitchen. Waiting. Plotting.

Really, she just wants a toy that will run around and amuse her. She's not hard to please.

So, this morning I woke to make breakfast. And there was a roach, hanging out next to the sink.What followed was not my finest hour, and I am not proud of what I did. I brought in the Kattan. I put her on the counter. I undermined myself in one swift, bug fearing motion.

And, being the brat she was, she decided to jump down and walk away. The walk felt smug, like she had lost all respect for me.

So tell me...
Anyone have an attack cat, who walked off the job?
Or, any non-poison alternatives?

My Other Nickname

I don't bike anymore.

I've given it up, hung my helmet up for retirement. Of course, I did bike that one time in Vancouver while on vacation but it was just to make my husband happy. But I'm over it. Biking is a choice, one I no longer choose to make. And while I am now happily dubbed 'Farina' by the in laws, I was once known as Woodchuck, and sometimes The Gopher. I was not flattered.

But..... it's biking in the countryside! It sounds so serene, right?

Wrong. One day of biking in the country had me making the choice between hitting a tractor trailer head-first or propelling myself down an embankment at a rather large tree. I chose the tree, crawled bleeding into our house, and was rushed to the emergency room to have my braces and bark pulled from my lips.

There have been other 'incidents' but most notably, that one. Sometimes I wonder if the tree still shows where my teeth tore bark away and earned me those wonderful nicknames. So that's my story. Not glamorous but definitely exciting. And, I can blame lapses in memory and my perpetually split lower lip on this experience and not on a fist fight.

So tell me...
Anyone else out there have an odd nickname?
Or hate biking?