Monday, April 20, 2015

Telling People You're Pregnant.. after Miscarriage(s)

I don't want to tell everyone I know that I am pregnant.

But hear me out, before deciding that I'm either:
-a huge hypocrite (I write online so that a face and story can be put to multiple loss/lupusAPS)
-or an idiot (people can easily find this blog- after all it's my name)
There are two big reasons. 
Since miscarriages are a taboo subject and not mentioned in proper society, we don't necessarily know who had/has/is experiencing one. I mentioned our history to a co-worker who had some very fresh wounds (and a story very similar to mine with a blood disorder). She learned of my previous miscarriages and broke down in sympathy. I think it's important to talk with others who have gone through similar trials, but it's not something I want to dole out on the unsuspecting.

Then there are a lot of good meaning people who have given their advice on everything in the past.

It's a normal part of life.
1. Boy meets girl, they get married.
2. They get pregnant.
3. The whole world tells them what they need to figure out Right Now.

In the great homeschool debate of 2013, I was about 6 weeks pregnant when I was asked how we were schooling our children. A bit early in the game I thought, but I told the group of inquisitors inquirers that we were planning on homeschooling. I left the conversation after about 20 ridiculous minutes of being told I was wrong. I've since learned to not to take the bait and tell everyone everything they want to know.

That isn't to say that I won't answer questions like "why do you lose your pregnancies" or "around what week does it typically happen" or any other questions where the person asking is curious. I'm more than happy to let you know what it means to have multiple miscarriages, APS or answer any questions about medicine. I'm tired of the secrecy given to those who loose their babies, keeping them mourning in silence. The more support given to the parents, the better. But at the same time I'm choosing the be wise in who I do and don't tell.

People we have told: family, close friends and plenty of people at church.

People we know will support us and not pressure us to talk about it constantly. Most everyone who we've told already knows about our history of early pregnancy loss and knows that what we need most is prayer and support. To allow us to process everything week by week. I want to get to the point of seeing the heartbeat, then hearing it. To know that the baby inside me has a great chance at survival. Then I will be more open to the long-term questionnaires that come my way.

So tell me...
Have you ever dealt with recurrent miscarriages, and..
Did it affect how you told others about the subsequent pregnancies?


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14 comments:

  1. Farin, I miscarried very early in my marriage, and I was out out of the area where people knew me. So I didn't have all the inquisition. But here where I am now, our buying and selling of our home is really bringing out lots of questions.

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    1. I imagine that having people asking all about the selling process could be rather intrusive (hopefully they aren't asking price, interest level, etc). Sorry to hear!

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  2. I think this is a very important topic. I've had 4 pregnancies (and 2 disabled children). At my last one the doctor told me crazy statistic, like 3 out of 5 pregnancies miscarry (!!). She never cited sources and I didn't follow up at the time -being overwhelmed with pregnancy emotions. One reason I think it needs to be talked about is that 1) women need to know it happens to a lot of us. 2) women need to know IF it is a thing that's on the rise or not 3) women need community & support to deal with a loss - true whether or NOT they wanted this pregnancy. Just my 2 cents, but like post partum depression, I wish it were a more open topic. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I never knew until I started searching online (the only place people come forward). It was only when I started telling people that they told me they had trouble conceiving or maintaining children. What's more, I found out some of those women have medical issues similar to mine, and had to take medicine or baby aspirin at the least to get to full term. Community has definitely helped me to adjust to this reality, knowing that its possible to help others and share that this is not all that uncommon.

      Thank you for the transparency!

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  3. I haven't dealt with recurrent miscarriages, I've never had a miscarriage, but I did lose my 2 month old baby boy in '06. When we were expecting again in '08, we simply didn't tell anyone other than our parents. We waited until after the fetal echo cardiogram to tell the kids, and we let everyone else figure it out when it became obvious. I kind of liked doing it that way. It stopped a lot of the nosy questions and the awkward conversations.

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    1. I cannot imagine the grief that you experienced, and the questions you would've been asked. You're right, the easiest thing (especially then) would be to wait and let people figure it out. I think for me, the nosey questions are fine, since I want others to understand this isn't some uncommon thing. But I am guarding my feelings, knowing that I could loose this baby as well and I do not want to think beyond this week. At least until I hear a heartbeat a few separate times :)

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  4. I suffered two miscarriages within 9 mos. between the births of my two girls. After my second miscarriage, I was hesitant to share the news that I was expecting, again. I think I waited until my first ultrasound, just to be cautious.

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    1. I think if it weren't for this blog and wanting to get this information out there, I would be the same way.

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  5. I haven't had this burden but my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your experience.
    Traci

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  6. 1981 my first pregnancy and people wouldn't mention it to me. 1 year later God gave us our eldest boy. Plenty of talk to me then.

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    1. I can imagine that telling anyone before social media, the internet, and the increase in the 'sharing' culture made it a much more difficult subject to breech. 1 year later you got your miracle, and people do love those :)

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  7. Sorry I've been MIA on your blog lately, but I promise you've been on my mind! Helped throw a baby shower (of course lol) so it's been nuts. I think you have a super healthy outlook on how you are blogging/journaling and not hiding it but not shouting from the rooftop either. I can only hope to be as positive when God has us in that situation again. The prayers will keep coming!!

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    1. I know that you being MIA is nothing short of your living life, but love that you take time out to stop by and share some wisdom :) A baby shower of all things is one of the hardest things to do when you're still waiting but I believe that being humble about it can help others who are still hoping for a positive. It definitely helped me the times when it felt impossible, to see that they know that it is best to acknowledge the issue but with grace and to not harp!

      Happy Friday Angie!

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